woman: ¶ why must we meet
¶ in the shadows of paris ¶
¶ where hardly
¶ a star
¶ seems to shine?
¶ why can't we meet
¶ in the sunlight of paris ¶
¶ where paris can see
¶ you
¶ are mine?
¶ have you
¶ come to me from another ¶
¶ whose lips
¶ you have tried?
¶ do you
¶ still belong to another? ¶
¶ is that
¶ why we hide?
¶ why am i cold
¶ in the sunlight of paris ¶
¶ where laughter
¶ and song
¶ fill the sky?
¶ why am i warm
¶ in the shadows of paris ¶
¶ when i know
¶ that dawn
¶ means goodbye?
¶ have you
¶ come to me from another ¶
¶ whose lips
¶ you have tried?
¶ do you
¶ still belong to another? ¶
¶ is that
¶ why we hide?
¶ why am i cold
¶ in the sunlight
[whispers] maria.
¶ of paris
¶ where laughter
¶ and song
¶ fill the sky?
¶ why am i warm
¶ in the shadows of paris ¶
¶ when i know that dawn ¶
¶ means
goodbye?
[gunshots]
[creaking]
[telephone rings]
[ring]
commissioner dreyfus.
ah. yes, my darling.
i was just about to call you.
i'm on my way.
i've got the cheese and the beaujolais.
what? [laughs]
my love.
kiss the children for me.
huh?
[intercom buzzes]
hold on.
yes?
man: your wife is on the other line.
tell her i'm out of town.
yes, my love.
i'll be with you in 20 minutes.
[laughs]
monsieur dreyfus.
oh, monsieur, a catastrophe.
we've just had a report of a shooting
at the chateau de la pierre blanche.
so?
monsieur ballon.
what? ballon, the millionaire?
yes.
oh, that is a catastrophe, yes.
oh, no. i mean,
it's not so much the shooting
that is a catastrophe.
no?
no. you see, when the report came in,
there were few details--
just that someone had been shot
and the address.
i didn't, until a few moments ago, realize
that it was the home of the millionaire ballon.
so?
so, i made a terrible mistake.
who did you assign to the case?
clouseau.
oh, my god.
[ribbit]
aah!
[frogs croaking]
[doorbell buzzing]
[buzz]
inspector clouseau.
good evening, sir.
[shoes squishing]
what is your name?
my name is henri lafarge.
mm. make a note of that.
you are the butler?
i am the head butler.
head butler.
cross out "butler" and put down "head butler."
[shoes squish]
henri: this is monsieur ballon.
monsieur ballon, it is a great honor.
[glove squishes]
oh, excuse me.
i am, uh...
inspector clouseau of the surete.
i, uh, must apologize for my appearance.
i had a slight accident. ha ha ha.
well, uh, would you like a bathrobe or something?
oh, no, nothing at all.
it's just a little dampness.
it will soon go.
ha ha.
um, monsieur ballon, you reported a shooting.
uh, no, i didn't. maurice did.
maurice?
yes. he's guarding maria.
i was at the airport
at the time the shooting occurred.
i'd just arrived.
of course, of course, of course.
that will not be necessary.
i shall have this case cleared up in...
a few seconds.
would you like to, uh... uh, examine the body?
i would be delighted.
henri: this way, sir.
oh.
[shoes squishing]
you are maurice?
yes, monsieur.
monsieur ballon said you were guarding someone.
yes, monsieur.
[rustling]
this pen has been fired recently.
mm-hmm.
and you are?
maria gambrelli.
oh. i am inspector clouseau.
how do you do?
ahem.
uh, see what else you can find.
what are you doing?
i'm taking the gun, inspector.
this is my pistol pen.
i know it's your pen, inspector.
get your own pistol pen, please.
this is my own personal one.
don't look in here. look outside.
what'd you say?
nothing, monsieur.
hmm.
all right, you can go. ahem.
[sighs]
now, then...
ahem.
um, ahem...
please. ahem.
you found the body?
yes, monsieur.
hmm, hmm, hmm.
a friend of yours?
have you any idea who killed him?
i have no idea.
she killed him. what?
that's not true.
she says it's not true.
she is lying.
you watch your tongue.
i heard 4 shots, monsieur.
ah, you heard 4 shots.
you did not see 4--
oh. i am sorry.
you did not see these 4 shots?
no, monsieur.
no. well, then you could not possibly know
who fired those shots.
the door was locked, monsieur,
from the inside.
so what does that prove?
when i broke it open,
i found miquel where you see him now
and maria with a gun in her hand.
with the gun in her hand?
still smoking.
did you have the gun in your hand?
and was it still smoking?
i suppose so, but...
i don't know how it got there.
i really don't.
ridiculous.
i will decide what is ridiculous.
monsieur, you surely don't believe--
i believe everything...
and i believe nothing.
i suspect everyone...
and i suspect no one.
i gather the facts...
examine the clues...
and before you know it...
the case is solved.
hmph.
oh, yes, there is much here that does not meet the eye--
hmm, that is quite obvious.
ahem.
what was that you said?
nothing, monsieur.
hmm, all right.
you can go now.
yes, monsieur.
but, uh, do not try to leave.
everyone in this household is under suspicion.
yes, monsieur.
ahem.
clouseau: now, supposing you tell me what happened.
he was having difficulty with the buttons.
buttons?
buttons on my dress.
well, you know, that is very strange
because there are no buttons on this dress.
well, that is because
he was having difficulty with them,
so he just tore the dress off.
he attacked you?
oh, no.
i would have helped him, but...
but he couldn't wait.
the buttons are probably all over the room.
he was so impetuous.
a passionate spaniard, you know.
and, uh, he...
tore your dress off, eh?
yes.
and then suddenly someone opened the door,
and miquel leapt up and...
well, that is the last i remember
until maurice came in
and found me with the gun.
hmm...
yes.
there is, if you'll excuse me,
something here that i do not quite understand.
what don't you understand?
[sucks]
ew.
i don't understand...
ahem, when you say that you don't remember.
well, i guess i was unconscious.
unconscious?
i have a bump.
bump? yes.
where?
oh, let me see.
oh, yes.
i don't know how it happened,
but it is so painful.
oh, that is beautiful perfume you're wearing.
it's bath oil.
is it?
you know, i really can't figure it out.
it's--someone must have hit me.
yes. you have received a mild concussion
with that bump.
you have cream on your nose.
what? oh, it's nothing.
it's--it's from that, uh...thing over there.
you're all wet.
what? oh, yes.
is it raining?
no. it's just that, uh...
stupid driver of mine
parked too close to the fountain.
you should get out of these clothes immediately.
you'll catch your death of pneumonia, you will.
hmm. yes, yes, i probably will, but, uh...
it's all part of life's rich pageant, you know.
we police have to put up with a lot of things--ha ha--
in the course of our duty that, uh...
in private life, one wouldn't normally tolerate.
why don't we have a smoke?
helps to calm the nerves...
and, uh...enable us to think more clearly.
[chuckles]
lovely perfume you're wearing there.
that's not perfume. that's bath oil.
oh, is it?
well, it's very beautiful.
thank you.
i can still smell it.
now, where were we?
my bump.
bump, that's right--
uh, that--that you received when somebody hit you,
or at least we presume, uh, somebody hit you.
how else could it have happened?
well, you see, in the police force,
first, we presume, after, we find out.
that is the way we work-- always work like that
because if we work the other way, you see--
my goodness, it's a bit stuffy in here.
your coat!
yes, it is my coat.
but it's on fire!
what?!
oh!
my coat is on fire!
my goodness, i'm burning!
oh!
clouseau?
clouseau: aah!
he fell out of the window!
dreyfus: clouseau?
maria: are you all right?
hmm? oh, yes.
i am perfectly all right.
thank you.
in that case, you may go home.
go home?
dreyfus: you are relieved.
relieved?
i am taking charge.
good night, clouseau.
good night, sir.
[frogs croaking]
aah! ah!
sorry, inspector.
you idiot! you fool!
it's a good job i was able to check my reflexes.
i might've killed you with a karate chop!
oh!
oh, you...
you fool!
just for that you're-- you're off the case.
[car starts]
back to town.
when can i have the report?
i'll give you a report
first thing in the morning.
right. thank you.
excuse me.
uh, monsieur ballon?
yes.
i'm commissioner dreyfus.
ah, well, uh, where's inspector clouseau?
i am personally taking charge
of this investigation.
oh, i see.
i promise that you and madame ballon
will be inconvenienced as little as possible,
and that the ballon name will not suffer
the, uh, sensationalism of the press.
he was a strange fellow, but i rather liked him.
huh?
uh, i mean clouseau.
oh. yes.
yes, he's a--hmm-hmm.
he's an extraordinary man.
[creaking]
yaaah!
hyah!
hah!
hyah!
whoa!
aah!
[telephone rings]
[thick chinese accent] inspector clouseau's residence.
one moment, please.
commissioner dreyfus.
[breathing heavily]
[loud panting audible over phone]
hello, inspector clouseau here.
get down here immediately.
you're back on the gambrelli case.
the gambrelli case?
maria gambrelli.
the maid who killed the chauffeur.
oh! maria gambrelli the maid!
yes. yes, excellent.
i'll be down there right away.
thank you.
well, kato, i am back on the case.
hyah-san!
i tell you,
maria gambrelli is beautiful, innocent.
hyah!
[objects clanging]
by the way, kato,
that was a very good workout today.
you're showing marked improvement.
every day you're getting better.
hut. hai.
ha sai.
facts, hercule, facts.
nothing matters but the facts.
without them,
the science of criminal investigation
is nothing more than a guessing game.
[unable to snap]
you listen to me, hercule,
and you will learn something.
now then, the facts in this case are:
the body of the chauffeur
was found in the bedroom of the second maid.
fact!
cause of death: 4 bullets in the chest.
fact!
the bullets were fired at close range
from a .25 caliber beretta automatic.
fact!
maria gambrelli was discovered
with the murder weapon in her hand.
fact!
the murder weapon was registered
in the name of the deceased--
miquel osto--
and was kept, mark you,
in the glove compartment of the ballon rolls royce.
fact!
now then, members of the household staff
have testified that miquel osto beat--
careful, you fool.
you've broken my pointing stick.
i've got nothing to point with now.
have--have testified that--that...
that miquel osto
beat maria gambrelli frequently!
and, now, finally,
comes the sworn statement
of monsieur and madame ballon,
as well as all the members of the staff--
each of them with perfect alibis.
now then, hercule...
what is the inescapable conclusion?
maria gambrelli killed the chauffeur.
what?
you idiot. impossible!
she's protecting someone.
how do you know that?
instinct.
but the facts?
you are forgetting the most important fact.
motive.
he beat her.
he was spanish.
he tore her dress off.
oh, don't be ridiculous.
would you kill somebody who tore your dress off?
no, i--i suppose not.
no, of course not.
no. no.
well, there is no doubt in my mind whatsoever, hercule.
maria gambrelli is most definitely protecting somebody.
find that somebody,
and you have found the murderer.
and, uh...
i shall find the murderer before the day is out.
maria gambrelli will tell me who he is.
oh, yes.
what was that you said?
uh, nothing.
i see.
all right.
well, you can go, hercule.
aah!
i don't understand.
why, in the name of heaven,
did you reassign clouseau
to the gambrelli case?
that is a good question,
and it deserves an answer.
but what i'm about to tell you
must remain in the strictest confidence.
this morning at 6:00,
i received a phone call from a superior.
i was informed
that certain extremely influential parties
were interested in having clouseau back on the case.
i had no choice but to comply.
amazing.
if i were to divulge the identity of the caller,
you'd realize how amazing it really is.
but why?
that's another good question.
and for that, i have no answer.
[tires screeching]
ah. they're bringing in the gambrelli woman.
sit down, miss gambrelli.
now, where were--
good morning, monsieur.
oh.
good morning, miss gambrelli.
morning.
you slept well?
no.
wonderful.
it is not easy to sleep in prison.
it isn't?
no, no, no. of course it isn't.
we shall have to do something about that,
won't we?
mm-hmm.
oh.
eh...
uh...
[chuckles]
stupid box.
yes.
but, uh, anyway,
first a few simple questions.
mmm.
is it all right if i smoke?
oh, yes. of course. yes, yes.
have one of mine.
thank you.
uh...
well, have one of mine.
mmm?
oh, thank you.
very kind of you.
very, very kind of you.
that's all right.
allow me.
thank you.
other, uh, other way around.
what? oh! ha.
tastes very bad when you do that.
oh.
well, now...
are you comfortable?
they should have chairs like this in prison.
yes, yes.
most certainly they should.
as i recall, the furniture is deplorable,
extremely bad taste.
it's terrible.
one might as well sit on the floor.
yes, it's really high time
that somebody did something about it, don't you think?
sure.
as a matter of fact,
i will do something about it this very moment.
uh, give me the prison superintendent immediately.
man: yes, sir.
you know, sometimes it's necessary
to cut through the red tape
and strike directly at the heart of the matter.
prison is bad enough
without uncomfortable furniture.
[telephone ringing]
yes.
superintendent, this is inspector clouseau.
when are you going to do something
about that terrible furniture in your prison? hmm?
well, we are not savages.
this is not the middle ages.
i mean, you're running a house of correction,
not a torture chamber.
that made him think.
well, i suggest that you take the matter
under serious consideration.
i mean, if one is to cope with the modern criminal,
it is necessary to use modern methods.
i mean, you can't have a contemporary prison
without, uh, contemporary furniture.
mmm.
yes, well, that's my opinion, anyway.
oh, and the same to you, superintendent.
filthy swine.
you're not at all like a policeman.
your dossier.
i, uh...
always keep my important documents
under lock and key,
because one can never be too sure.
now, here...
[ripping]
oh.
oh, uh...
excuse me.
stupid of me.
[chain rattles down pant leg]
oh-ho. oh.
ahem.
now, um...
miss gambrelli,
your, uh, dossier contains some...
very, very interesting facts.
it seems that you have know this miquel osto
for quite some time.
yes.
and were you in love with him?
yes.
you're in love with the man that raped you?
that what?
testimony of georges duval-- gardener.
referring to osto, you described him,
and i quote,
"as that crazy spaniard
who raped me in my father's field."
he did not rape me.
he did not force you?
well, you see, i tripped over a root,
and i grabbed miquel to keep me from falling.
and somehow we both fell.
mmm.
i cried a little bit afterwards,
but that wasn't because i was sorry it happened.
it was something he said.
he insulted you?
oh, no.
he lit a cigarette
and took a long puff and...
tell me,
why do so many men smoke afterwards?
no wonder tobacco companies get rich.
hmm.
yes, i must admit,
i'd never thought of it quite that way.
mmm.
last night it was to be our last night.
it was all finished.
you were leaving him?
oh, no!
he was leaving me.
poor miquel.
he was really in one of his moods last night.
first he babbled in spanish,
and then he cried.
you know, he really broke down and cried.
you don't say?
i do say.
and then when i tried to console him,
make him feel better,
suddenly he was tearing off my clothes
and cursing like a madman.
hmm.
[tapping table]
very strange.
one thing i don't understand.
osto was leaving you...
and yet by your own account,
he was behaving like a jealous madman.
well, see...
i thought if he was leaving me,
he'd suffer...
thinking that i was alone.
and...
and so i told him there was someone else.
[quivering] mmm.
i was a lie. i admit that.
but only out of kindness!
ah! oh.
oh, uh...
i--i'm sorry.
it's nothing at all.
stupid tailor.
beautiful suit.
yes, i know, but don't worry.
a few stitches, and you'll never know.
miquel.
ah.
hercule!
must i go back to prison?
unfortunately, yes.
but, uh...
don't give up hope.
what do you want?
you sent for me.
of course i sent for you!
[sniffles]
goodbye.
goodbye, my dar-- uh, miss gambrelli.
well, there's no doubt in my mind.
she's shielding someone.
do you think you can break her down?
mmm. given enough time,
i could have her eating out of my hand.
[chuckles]
yes, anyway, we have no time.
i must catch this man
before he leaves the country.
but if you don't know who he is...
she will lead me to him. release her.
release her?
of course! how can she lead me to him
if she's still in prison, you idiot?!
but commissioner dreyfus.
i will assume complete responsibility.
release her immediately!
i will apprehend this culprit within 24 hours.
aah!
get me out of here.
quick or i shall scream.
ahh.
look, i've got africa all over my hand now.
nice balloons.
you have a license to sell these balloons?
license?
[siren]
yes?
good morning, monsieur.
good morning, georges.
is there something i can do for you?
why, yes.
and perhaps there is something
i can do for you.
what could you possibly do for me?
you remember the night of the murder?
is that a rhetorical question?
what?
now, come along, georges, what is it you want?
i saw you climbing down from maria's room.
you have sharp eyes.
oh, yes.
and a big stomach.
so hard to keep it filled.
prices these days.
are we going to discuss the national economy,
or will you presently come to the point?
the point is 100,000 francs.
you know, for the groceries.
then perhaps my eyes will grow small again.
yes, well...
we'll certainly have to do something about your stomach.
[dog barking]
hey!
oh!
[snarling]
bad dog. bad dog.
back.
bad. bad doggy.
[barking]
nice dog!
oh, excuse me.
i just happened to be passing and i...
ah...
ahh-ah-ahh.
ah, my--
ah...
oh, you have been cutting flowers.
ah...
well, you must've been cutting something.
there's blood all over your cutting shears.
ahh...ah...
that's very strange.
[terrified moaning]
[clouseau joins in moaning]
facts, hercule.
facts.
behind them,
lies the whole fabric of deductive truth.
now, hercule, let us examine these facts.
one!
she was found
with the murder weapon in her hand.
two!
the murder weapon was fresh with blood.
three!
there were no fingerprints on the murder weapon
other than hers.
and four!
all the members of the ballon household staff
have perfect alibis.
now then, hercule...
what do these facts add up to?
maria gambrelli killed georges the gardener.
you are an idiot.
only a fresh-faced novice
would come up with a conclusion like that!
but the facts--
listen, whoever killed miquel,
killed georges the gardener.
and he did it to cover up the first crime.
now what he is trying to do is lay the blame
at the foot of this poor servant girl.
well, who do you suspect?
i suspect...
everyone.
well, i suppose that is possible.
possible?
what do you mean "possible"?
i deal in certainties.
i have only to break her down,
make her admit she's protecting somebody,
and then force her to divulge his identity!
[chuckles]
there can be no more cat and mouse.
hmm-hmm.
no more subtle interrogation.
ohh.
for her own sake,
and for the sake of justice,
i will resort to any means short of brute force
to drag it out of her, hercules!
true, she will suffer.
but in the end,
she will be free,
and we will have our killer.
he released her again?!
yes, sir.
[siren]
[classical piano music playing]
well, shall we settle this thing now,
or do you intend making me late for the recital?
look, we can't just fire her.
she's given us no cause.
cause?
we are up to our necks in dead bodies!
what are you waiting for,
the last act of hamlet?
if you're going to compare the ballon household
with a shakespearean tragedy,
i suggest that macbeth would be more appropriate.
oh, darling...
my cue ball.
[car starts]
[engine revs loudly]
[tires squeal]
that was madame ballon.
follow her.
when you have discovered her destination,
call me immediately.
maurice: inspector clouseau.
good evening, monsieur ballon.
good evening, inspector.
if you don't mind,
there are one or two questions
i would like to ask.
of course.
some points that need clearing up.
certainly.
you play billiards by any chance?
well, yes i have played some billiards
in my time.
i find that it makes
for a more relaxed and friendly conversation.
how about you?
yes, yes.
take a cue.
ah, a cue. yes.
hmm.
that will do.
very strange.
well, i think you'd be better off
with an ordinary cue.
that's what we call a bridge.
the bridge cue. yes.
yes, i much prefer
the good, old-fashioned plain cue, you know?
yes, yes.
let's see. ah. this will do.
oh! i am...
most terribly sorry.
i'm, uh, dreadfully sorry. i...
oh, that's all right.
i've broken a few in my time.
uh, try this one.
this is my favorite cue.
you'll find that it's great for curved shots.
you, uh, had some questions, inspector?
yes.
[balls clack]
i had rather hoped to have a talk with your wife.
well, she's out. you just missed her.
on the contrary,
she just missed me in the driveway going out.
aah. ah.
ahem.
monsieur ballon...
did you not state...
that, uh...
on the night of the murder
you had, uh...
just arrived from london
on the 11:00 flight?
yes. why do you ask?
it was canceled due to bad weather.
[balls clack]
i arrived on an earlier flight.
i put it to you directly, monsieur ballon,
that it was you who murdered miquel osto.
don't be ridiculous.
oh. oh, uh...
look, if you can just move...
that's it.
these curved cues can be difficult.
all right. pull.
ah.
yes, i disliked miquel intensely.
but i'm not in the habit of killing people
merely because i dislike them.
aha!
oh, i beg your pardon.
as long as you
know about the canceled flight,
i may as well tell you the whole thing.
the night that miquel was killed,
i arranged for him to meet the 11:00 plane.
i arrived on the 9:00.
now, he would be on his way to the airport
while i was on my way home.
my wife was at a dinner party.
this would give me a whole hour, at least,
alone in the house.
for what?
[balls clack]
for maria.
what?
does that surprise you?
[telephone rings]
[ring ring]
then i submit, inspector ballon,
that you arrived home,
found miquel with maria gambrelli,
and killed him in a rit of fealous jage!
i admit to the affair,
but kill for her?
would you kill for her?
of course...
uh, not.
well, it's still your shot.
yes! hmm.
ah.
mmm.
[rip]
i'm dreadfully sorry, monsieur ballon.
i appear to have grazed your billiard table.
ahem.
telephone, monsieur, for inspector clouseau.
ah.
that would be for me.
yes, this is inspector clouseau.
all right. you stay there.
i will come over immediately.
monsieur ballon,
i wonder if you could oblige.
i have to meet my assistant,
and i am without a car.
oh, well, i'll have pierre drive you.
excellent.
well, i suppose this is the end of our game.
you mind putting my cue away?
have pierre bring the car around.
you car is ready, monsieur.
[cues rattling]
look, i am, uh,
dreadfully sorry, monsieur ballon.
oh, please don't concern yourself, inspector.
uh, maurice will do it for you.
clouseau: don't-- let go of my back. you--
thank you, monsieur.
i tell you, mr. ballon,
whoever invented that rack
should have his head examined!
well...
we will continue at another time.
a pleasure at any time.
[thud]
i suggest you have your architect investigated as well.
madame ballon is in apartment 12,
second floor.
you stay here.
if i'm not out within 10 minutes,
send reinforcements, right?
[piano music playing]
[presses doorbell]
woman: aah!
¶ aah
aah!
[birds chirping]
[bird cawing]
[caw caw]
[crow makes wounded cawing sound]
[crow make laughing cawing sound]
[gunshot]
good morning.
i'm the game warden.
do you have a hunting license?
hunting license?
[siren]
he was shooting crows?
[nervously giggles]
he was disguised as a hunter
in order to watch the ballon house.
[nervously giggles]
give me 10 men like clouseau,
and i could destroy the world.
mmm. where is he now?
i don't know.
after i got his release, he got a phone call.
he ran out of his office
saying that he had an important lead
that would crack the case.
this case is already so full of cracks
i guess one more won't make any difference.
[guillotine drops]
francois.
yes, commissioner?
i just cut off my thumb.
[nervously giggles]
[car horn honks]
now then...
you say you followed maria gambrelli
to this god-forsaken place?
she took a taxi this far,
then i followed her up the pathway
to the entrance to camp sunshine.
camp sunshine?
yes. i would have called you,
but then i perceived dudu the maid
also entered the camp.
up the path, you say?
yes, but inspector--
look, you return to the ballon residence
and look for more clues.
i will try to see what is afoot
at this camp sunshine.
inspector, i think--
hurry up, man.
there's not a second to lose.
mmm. good afternoon.
hmm.
i am inspector clouseau of the surete.
ah.
oh.
tell me, have you anyone registered here
by the name of maria gambrelli?
gambrelli.
yes, i believe she check in
about an hour ago.
yes.
"gambrelli--11:45."
where can i find her?
well, she could be most anywhere,
but my guess would be the recreation area.
thank you.
can i ask you something?
yes?
have you been...
swimming?
why, yes!
how did you know?
it is my business to know.
ah-ah-ah.
and where do you think you're going?
i do not think, sir.
i know where i am going.
i am going to the recreation area.
not like that, you're not.
what was that you said?
i said you're not going
to the recreation area like that.
i am inspector clouseau of the surete.
oh, how do you do? i'm turk.
i am here on official business,
and i'm looking for someone at the recreation area.
not unless you take off your clothes.
you, sir, are under arrest.
arrest? what for?
for making lewd and suggestive remarks
to an official of the french government.
lewd and suggestive remarks?
also for indecent exposure.
doesn't anyone wear clothes around here?
no.
what?!
this is a nudist colony.
a nudist colony?
right. and nobody gets in
unless they take their clothes off.
what, uh...
all of them?
all of them.
right down to your mustache.
[dance music playing]
[loud conversations and laughter]
aah!
are you the one who called the police?
i?
someone called from this cabin,
reported a murder.
murder?!
tell the men to spread out and search the camp.
but one of your men is already in the camp.
one of my men?
yes, inspector clouseau.
[whimpers]
aah.
oh, i'm so sorry. i can't understa--
murder!
oh!
psst!
beg your pardon?
woman: clouseau!
over here.
quick!
listen, that's dudu!
dudu?
she's dead.
dead? dudu...
[twang-g-g]
woman: aah!
[people screaming]
dreyfus: come out!
out!
round up everyone!
go get me that idiot,
that is, if you can find him.
straight away, sir.
if someone has been murdered here,
please, let it be clouseau, hmm?
maria: what are we going to do?
well, we must do something.
we can't leave here without our clothes.
i'm getting cold.
just look at those goose pimples!
[twang-g-g]
clouseau!
[car starts]
[honk]
[ducks quacking]
i know how you feel.
i'm having a bad dream. it's a nightmare!
believe me,
it's nothing to what would've happened
if they'd caught us.
what do we do now?
well...
you keep down, and...
then they can only see the top half of me.
perhaps they will think
that i have just come from the beach,
from a swim, you know, and--
we can't just keep driving around.
no, no--
please?
no, no, that's right.
i--i will take us to my apartment,
and somehow, i will try to get us inside.
but please, whatever happens,
try to keep calm.
i can assure you,
she's not in the house.
i'm very sorry, monsieur ballon,
but it is necessary that i see for myself.
she has not been in the house all day?
all i can tell you is
that she left before i did this morning,
and she wasn't here when i got back an hour ago.
henri can verify that.
henri?
the head butler.
i'd like to talk to henri.
well, he could've verified it.
only a few more blocks now.
mmm...
i feel like i'm losing my mind.
i think i'm going to start screaming,
and i won't be able to stop.
please, please. try to hold on to yourself.
[honk honk]
[tweet]
[tweet tweet]
[honking]
aah!
control yourself! please control--
aah!
[siren]
you're off the gambrelli case!
and you will report for duty
to the department of records.
department of records?
in martinique! what?
tomorrow morning, or you can forget your pension!
but that is not fair!
i was only doing my duty,
and i am right, you will see.
maria gambrelli is not a murderer!
i give up.
there is something...
personal in this.
yes.
deeply personal.
i hate you.
every little bit of you.
now get out!
you want me to leave?
you are making a terrible mistake.
if maria gambrelli is not a murderer,
and i say she is not,
you...
are sending an innocent girl to the guillotine!
excuse me, francois.
clouseau: and another thing--
martinique?
he's on his way.
what about those, uh, influential parties
that wanted clouseau on the case?
whatever they do to me now,
it is not half of what he has done already.
ahh...
besides,
i feel certain i know
who is behind those influential requests.
ballon.
ballon?
it is obvious he was having an affair
with maria gambrelli.
most likely.
at first i couldn't understand
why anyone would want a man like clouseau
to be in charge of a murder case,
especially a case of this importance.
but why would ballon?
ah, he wouldn't...
unless he was protecting someone.
now, if you were protecting someone,
who would be the perfect man on the case?
a fool.
a detective who is a complete and utter fool.
clouseau.
of course.
if maria gambrelli is convicted,
ballon is up to his ears
in a very nasty scandal,
and clouseau was his insurance policy
against such a scandal.
well...
he has gone.
ah...
i feel like a child again.
hmm...it's an interesting theory,
but what if you are wrong?
i know it's an extremely remote possibility,
but what if you are wrong,
and ballon is not protecting maria gambrelli?
what if she's innocent,
as clouseau claims?
what?
ridiculous.
but a possibility.
what if ballon is protecting someone else?
or, what if ballon himself
is the guilty party?
that's a sadistic thing to suggest.
but if only for the sake of discussion,
what if you are wrong,
and clouseau,
a fool, a complete and utter fool--
ha ha ha!
i'd be ruined.
it's something to consider.
hmm.
francois?
yes, commissioner?
would you please call for a doctor?
are you ill?
i seem to have stabbed myself
with the letter opener.
hyaah!
kato, you fool,
get off of me, will you?
get off me, kato, will you? not now!
unh! i got you!
unh!
kato...
release me, you fool!
[telephone rings]
[ring ring]
inspector clouseau's residence.
give me that telephone, you idiot!
inspector clouseau here.
this is the commissioner.
you are back on the gambrelli case.
[whimpers]
well, kato,
i'm back on the case.
ha-hyah!
[dialing]
now to set the trap...
catch the killer...
and prove to the world...
that maria gambrelli is innocent...
of murder.
hello, this is inspector clouseau.
connect me with my assistant immediately,
will you?
you know, i'm ashamed of myself, kato.
i forgot the first rule of self-defense:
no matter what the circumstances,
always anticipate the unexpected.
had you been a real assassin,
you might've killed me.
we're going to
have to accelerate our training program.
you must learn to attack me
whenever and wherever i least expect it.
and you--you must give no quarter!
understand?
hello, hercule? this is clouseau.
i am back on the case.
right. release maria gambrelli at once,
and make a reservation for 2 tonight, 8:00,
at the cafe ole.
right. bye-bye.
ah, kato,
unpack my things and lay out my new blue suit.
i'm going to have a lovely hot soak
in a nice, warm bath,
and i will plan out my strategy.
[water running]
[clouseau humming]
hyaah!
aah!
ohh...
he released her again...
and he's taking her out to dinner.
every paper in paris has the story,
including the christian science monitor.
and he gave them the story.
you see, he claims she is protecting her lover,
and the best way to force him into the open
is to make him jealous.
jealous!
that nincompoop, that megalomaniac.
he's setting the science of criminal investigation back
a thousand years.
and i can't do anything about it.
why not?
what if he is right?
what if he is?
i'm finished. washed up.
sanity and reason become things of the past.
madness reigns.
oh, now, just relax.
relax? with clouseau loose in the world?
you go about offering
irresponsible suggestions like that, doctor,
and you better find yourself a good analyst.
now, just lie down.
just lie down.
and relax.
and relax...
don't you think i want to relax?
don't you think i'd give my right arm
for a good night's sleep?
i haven't closed my eyes in 3 days.
i've only eaten a chicken leg and some clear broth
since wednesday.
i'm cracking up.
i'm coming apart at the seams.
and look at my eye, huh?
i used to have a perfectly good eye.
i had 2 eyes, i mean.
no, doctor, there is no hope.
there is no hope
unless i can get rid of clouseau.
i must get rid of clouseau...
[whimpering]
[playing flamenco (alegrias)]
[escobilla starts]
[bailaoras playing castanets]
[speaking spanish]
[applause]
[drums playing]
[drums stop]
[russian folk music plays]
crowd: hey!
hey!
crowd, chanting: pay-da-na, pay-da-na...
pay-da-na, pay-da-na, pay-da-na, pay-da-na,
pay-da-na, pay-da-na.
[cheering]
crowd, chanting: pay-da-na, pay-da-na,
pay-da-na!
[cheering]
[rip]
[laughter]
what's wrong with you?
hey!
crowd, chanting: pay-da-na, pay-da-na...
[cheering]
i'm not going to let you look at me
going up the stairs,
you naughty thing. go on.
just split up your pants, monsieur.
no, no, i'm just unlocking the door.
look. you just split up your pants
so you could lure me to this apartment of yours.
well, this is my apartment.
i know this is your apartment.
how about a little lure?
nothing lure...
you lure--lu--
¶ oh lu la-lu la-lu la-lu lu ¶
do you know?
what?
i know this is your apartment and--
but that won't help you in the least bit.
why won't that help me in the least bit?
because--
question.
question? answer. yes?
mr. police inspector--
jacques clouseau is the name.
i've given up sex.
ohh...
quel bruto momento.
i've given up sex.
promise me.
what, darling?
afterwards...
you will not smoke, hmm?
i give you my word
as an officer and a gentleman,
also a policeman.
a policeman.
jacques?
yes, darling?
carry me.
all right, my darling.
unh...
jacques?
yes, my darling?
i swore i'd never-- oh!
jacques, i swore i'd never,
never do it again, you know?
yes, darling.
and i resolved to be so strong.
yes, darling.
you know, we all--
we all pay for our sins, don't we?
uh, could you open the door, my darling?
yes.
anything...worth waiting for is worth...
[door unlatches]
oh--
[crash]
oh...
oh, but jacques--
oh, darling, oh...
whoo!
oh...oh...
ha ha!
oh...
my darling,
my dear [kiss] sweet darling.
my sweetheart... please help me--
[buzzer]
jacques? what, darling?
it may be somebody important, jacques.
oh, darling, listen,
what could be more important than this?
jacques, look what you're doing.
you're just-- look at my sleeve!
it's all right, darling--
jacques, go to the door!
it looks better that way--
probably-- don't go away.
somebody important.
yeah. [kiss] don't go away.
darling? what?
h-hurry.
hurry! ah, yes!
[ticking]
maria: darling.
uh, coming, my lovely little darling.
that's very strange.
darling.
oh, my darling.
come on.
oh!
oh, this is too much for a simple policeman.
come on.
[gargling]
oh, my darling...
oh, wait, i...
yeah, this is the way to do it.
wait, my darling, wait...
now...of course... you...torment...oh!
you beautiful... you wonderful...
wait a minute...
like a... a little pincushion!
ha ha! ha ha!
oh, boy...
i cannot find...
my beautiful--
i don't--
hyaah!
aah! stop!
aah! what--
aah!
what is this--
kato: banzai!
help! help!
kato, are you mad?
what are you doing?
kato!
aah!
kato!
aah!
jacques!
don't worry, my darling, it's kato.
it's only kato.
poor fool.
[kato choking]
[sobbing] jacques! oh, jacques!
i killed him.
maria, you didn't.
he's all right, my darling.
it's nothing to worry--
nothing can happen to us now.
nothing can disturb us.
[bong bong bong]
"trail of death follows inspector clouseau."
4 people...
a doorman, 2 customers, and a cossack.
most regrettable.
regrettable?
including the ballon murders,
this brings the grand total to 8!
well, that just goes to prove
what i have said all along.
what you've said all along, clouseau,
qualifies you as the greatest prophet
since general custer said
he was going to surround all those indians!
maria gambrelli did not kill those 4 people.
which 4 people?
the last 4 people.
someone else killed those 4 people.
i was with her all the time.
and whoever he is, he is the same man
who killed the first 4 people.
a doorman? a cossack?
yes, innocent bystanders.
the murderer was after me.
fortunately he missed.
fortunately is not the word.
nevertheless,
it proves that my theory is correct.
you see, because of some misguided loyalty,
maria gambrelli will not divulge the name
of her former lover,
and that man is so jealous,
he will kill rather than lose her.
are you saying that this man,
the man maria gambrelli is protecting,
her former lover,
killed 8 people because he was jealous?
insanely jealous.
so jealous he made it look
like maria gambrelli was the murderer?
he's a madman, a psychotic.
what about the maid?
the maid?
was he jealous of her, too?
he strangled her!
it's possible that his intended victim
was a man, and he made a mistake.
a mistake? in a nudist camp?
nobody's perfect.
idiot! sir?
nincompoop! commissioner--
lunatic!
i will have your murderer for you by tonight.
what?
i have a plan.
what sort of plan?
a plan that cannot possibly fail.
right. now, remember,
at 8:00 sharp, you pull the master switch
just as i am about to name the murderer.
i leave the lights off for 5 seconds.
yes. not a second longer.
just long enough for the murderer
to leave the room.
understand? you're quite clear?
right. now we synchronize watches.
in 7 seconds...
it will be...
precisely...
2...43.
2:43...
your watch must've stopped.
i have 7:46.
yes...
yes, 7:46, yes.
no, no, no. no.
now it's nearly...7:47.
yes, all right. 7:47.
are we synchronizing on 7:47?
that's what you said.
no, i said it was nearly...
now, oh... 10 seconds to 7:47.
i got 10 seconds after 7:47.
well, you'll have to put your watch back.
yes, all right, all right.
5 seconds.
yes.
4... 4...
3...
2... 2...
1... 1...
now.
strange...
the second hand is not moving.
it's ticking...
it's moving now.
what? yes!
yes, it is. yes.
i knew that. i can see that it's moving now.
and now it's 7:47 and 23 seconds.
all right, let's synchronize on 7:47 and a half.
oh, yes.
5... 5...
4... 4...
3... 3...
2...
1...
now.
my watch has stopped.
your watch has stopped?
oui.
remarkable coincidence. stopped completely.
hmm...
look, uh... take my watch.
but what about you?
don't worry. i'll keep talking till the lights go out.
but we still won't be synchronized.
yes, it'll be all right. don't worry.
i'll find a way out, hercule.
[door opens]
it's very kind of you,
but there's no need for you to stand.
please sit down.
now, then...
i expect you're wondering
why i've asked you all here.
well, whatever the reason, it's a damn nuisance.
we usually have dinner at 9:00,
and you've brought everything to a standstill.
you will not be inconvenienced for long,
monsieur ballon.
your clock has stopped, monsieur ballon.
yes, but if you want to know the time,
it's exactly 7:50.
you are slow, darling. it's 7:52.
no, my love.
this watch has not lost a second
since the day you gave it to me.
i didn't give it to you.
i have 7:55, monsieur.
that is what i have.
you're both fast.
no. my watch is right. i'll prove it to you.
would you tell me the right time, please?
7:54. thank you.
[telephone rings]
yes?
oh, it's for you, inspector.
ah, it's for me.
yes?
what time is it?
what?
your watch has stopped.
where are you?
i'm down in the basement.
i had the operator call this number.
what do i do?
i can't pull the switch at 8:00
if i don't know what time it is.
it's, uh, 7:54.
55 now.
55 now, yes.
i just realized something.
i still won't know when it's 8:00.
count.
what?
count.
oh, count.
you mean seconds?
yes, that is exactly what i mean.
and don't dare call me here again.
now, then.
now, then, i will tell you...
why i've called you all here tonight.
one of you...
is a murderer.
36,
37,
38,
39...
before i name the killer...
i will explain to you the facts
that led me to discover his...or her identity.
now, then,
the night the chauffeur--
the night the chauffeur was killed--
what was the chauffeur's name?
miquel.
no, miquel. migwell, yes.
migwell. miquel.
well, this italian--
no, he was a spaniard.
well, this spaniard, um, mengwell,
he was furious with maria gambrelli.
he tore her dress off.
he protested violently and then--
aah! oh, my foot!
i'm terribly sorry. i beg your pardon.
i did not notice. excuse me.
he tore her dress off,
and at that precise moment,
the door opened,
and somebody-- somebody shot him.
now, maria could not see who the killer was
because she was unconscious.
and the reason that she was unconscious
was that she had received a bemp upon the head.
a what?
a bemp.
now, there is only one way
she could have received a bemp like that.
she was hit upon the head by an object,
and the object was the knob on the closet door.
somebody was hiding in that closet,
and when they opened the door,
she received a bemp upon the head.
oh, for heaven's sake, inspector,
come to the point.
don't tangle with--
ow! you clumsy idiot!
sorry. i'm terribly sorry.
ohh!
no, no!
ohh! ohh!
[dreamily] oh, these feathers...
oh, i'm coming, maria, my darling.
oh...
careful, monsieur, with me.
do not tangle with me.
i'm a trained expert in karate.
my hands are lethal weapons.
hmm!
now, then.
there is something that i am very interested to know.
this room, it looks very--
what happened?
what?
you fell off the sofa, you stupid--
i know i fell off the sofa, madame.
there's no need to tell me.
everything i do is carefully planned, madame.
i know that.
now, then, uh...
what was i saying? uh...
listen, you--you daydreaming fool,
what are you doing there?
i mean, can't you pay attention when i'm talking?
don't you know what i was saying?
you're not listening to me.
with the greatest respect, monsieur,
i heard every word that you said.
will you be kind enough
to tell me what it was that i said?
you were talking about the closet, monsieur.
y-y-yes?
you were saying that
when the closet door was opened,
maria received a bump on the head,
and from that,
you infer that someone had been hiding
in the closet, monsieur.
she received a bump on-- and listen, monsieur.
next time i may test you without warning.
so pay attention at all times.
yes, monsieur.
now, then, whoever was in that closet
opened the door and knocked maria unconscious,
and whoever the man was that was in that closet
had a reason to be in that closet.
how do you know it was a man?
because we found his fingerprints, monsieur ballon,
and...
they were your fingerprints.
why not? it's my house.
i've often been in that closet.
for what reason?
last time was moths.
mirths?
moths.
yes, mirths.
maria was complaining of mirths.
mirths?
is that right, maria,
that you were complaining about these mirths?
yes, i did complain about moths.
oh, you mean moths.
oh, yes, the flying moths.
yes, of course, of course, of course.
what i do not understand is that
in a household of this size,
the question of moths
should be brought to the attention
of monsieur ballon,
not one of the servants
or the local moth exterminator.
however, for the moment, we will pass over that,
and we will continue to concentrate on another type
of local exterminator.
212,
213,
214.
maria gambrelli,
even though she now realizes it was a mistake,
is not the sort of a woman
to have an affair with a man
and then expose him.
and we cannot condemn her
because she does not believe this man was a killer.
but this man was not only a killer,
he was an unprincipled villain
who would rather see maria gambrelli
go to the guillotine
than lose her to another man.
he was hiding in the closet when she came into the room
with the spaniard.
he opened the door, shot the spaniard,
and put the gun in maria's hand.
you don't know what you're talking about.
benjamin, shut up!
you have something to say, monsieur ballon?
he has nothing to say.
no, but she has!
why don't you ask her?
how dare you?
she was having an affair with my husband.
liar!
you are a fine one to talk!
your husband was having an affair
with my wife!
liar!
thank you, pierre.
what about you and simone?
what about you and georges?
liar!
you killed him!
i saw you go to the greenhouse
before maria.
he's crazy. why should i kill georges?
because you were having an affair with him.
i should kill him for that?
you killed him
because you knew he was carrying on with madame.
i saw you kill dudu!
liar!
i saw you!
that's insane! why should i kill dudu?
because you discovered...
you discovered that she was having an affair with pierre.
that's not true.
she told me.
of course she told you because you and dudu
were blackmailing the madame.
you liar!
she told me she saw madame kill miguel.
shut up!
that's not possible.
georges told me he saw monsieur ballon
climbing out of maria's window right after the shooting.
well, i didn't kill him.
i was the one in the closet.
my wife expected to find me with maria
and shot miguel by accident.
i put the gun in maria's hand
to protect my wife.
i arrest you for putting a gun in maria's hand.
oh, you keep out of this.
you self-righteous hypocrite! you pompous ass!
what about henri?
you killed him!
why should i kill him?
shut up!
i saw you put the gun, drag his body,
into maria's room!
oh, it was you.
yes, it was.
you put the gun in maria's hand!
298...
299.
aah!
clouseau: hercule, turn on the lights!
let me in!
no!
stop! stop!
come back, you fools!
come back!
clouseau, stop them!
stop them!
what?
the bomb.
the what?
the bomb?
it was meant for you.
what do you mean
it was meant for me, commissioner?
a doorman, 2 customers, and a cossack
and now 6 more innocent people.
they were all murderers, except maurice,
who was a blackmailer, commissioner.
compared with you, they were all saints.
commissioner, please, what are you doing?
i hate you, clouseau.
commissioner, please.
i hate you.
commissioner, what are you doing to me?
let go of me immed--
let--commissioner, let go of my leg.
you're--hercule!
get him off me.
commissioner, commissioner, commissioner.
you're crushing my leg, commissioner.
aah! commissioner!
jacques.
hmm?
are you all right?
it's all over now...
darling.
you're free.
kato: hyaah!